I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
