i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
