btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
