Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
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I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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