I think my fart just growled at me.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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