so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
