The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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