You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
