you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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