life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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