I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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