1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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