I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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