he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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