Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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