I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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