I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
