Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
