Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
