Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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