OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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