she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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