I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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