Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I AM VODKA MAN
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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