dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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