I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize