ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
