i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
