I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
