i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
