Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
