tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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