Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
