he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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