you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
