Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You are the jesus of drinking
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
