Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
well you can't waste a boner
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I came so hard my ears popped.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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