Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
