I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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