and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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