if only i could text you this smell
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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