I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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