Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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