i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You ruined the universe
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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