Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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