wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
