i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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