why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I love you.
Bad choice
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
