So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it's like iHOP with fire
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
