I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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