the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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