I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
