sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
