What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
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he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
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Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.