dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize