I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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