I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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