I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
